I heard that someone was going around my community saying malicious things about me. I was aghast. It’s chilling to know that people might listen to this person’s words.

What’s interesting about gossiping is that everyone does it. Have you ever heard a “juicy” story that you just had to share?  Maybe it was a scandal—something awful that a person did (or you thought he or she did)—and you find yourself sharing this news with a few friends. Or you hear a secret and you tell it to just one other person—insisting, of course, that they tell no one else…

Imagine what would happen if you heard disparaging words about a stranger and then you met that person. Those words would cast a shadow. It would be virtually impossible to erase the impression conveyed by the words you heard. Words create images that fuse themselves in our minds—this is how we are created, as social beings with language.

An old Jewish folktale tells of a man who went around his shtetl telling vicious stories about the rabbi. When it was time for Yom Kippur, he went to the rabbi to beg for forgiveness. The rabbi told the man, “Take a feather pillow, cut it open, and scatter the feathers to the winds.”

So the man did this. Then the rabbi told him, “Now, go and gather the feathers.” Here is the curse of tale bearing—you can’t undo the damage, in the same way that you can’t collect feathers that have all dispersed in the air.

In my Jewish tradition, there is a word for gossip and tale bearing: it’s called lashon ha-ra—an “evil tongue.”  It is strictly forbidden. “You shall not go up and down as a slanderer among your people…” (Leviticus 19:16).

Calling lashon ha-ra a “sin” might seem like an exaggeration. How can being talebearer be so serious when gossip is so common? It seems normal—this is how we get along in our society and culture. It’s just words. What can be wrong with simple words?

But the rabbis say that evil talk can be worse than murder. Words have power—for good and for evil. With words, you can destroy someone’s good name.  In fact, it’s not just telling lies about someone—slander is forbidden, even if the facts shared might be ostensibly true. Both telling and listening to gossip are considered sinful.

If someone is saying damaging things about me, I am helpless to defend myself and my reputation. I’ll never know who has heard this person’s words. Even if I could identify the people who have heard the bad reports (and I can’t), it would be wrong to respond with my own version of the “truth”—this would be unethical. This would also be lashon ha-ra.

I’ve done my share of gossiping—so I’m not innocent. But because I’ve been the target of gossip, I have a visceral understanding of the prohibition against an “evil tongue.” So, here is a lesson for me. I need to take care—more than ever—with the words I speak.